by Zhaun Ortega
There are days when you simply want to party for the heck of it, and there are days when you want to end up, hugging the porcelain throw while projectile vomiting tonight’s McDonald’s take-out. During these times, people go straight to the liquor bar and order the alcohol they think would do the deed. People often go for ordinary brandy, or rum, or vodka, which is, in my opinion not as strong as people hope it would be. During normal days, I would suggest some Bacardi 151 (which is a type of rum that has 75.5 % alcohol content) or some Absinthe (which has been banned in some countries and has 60% alcohol content) but during special days when you want to take time and actually enjoy your drinks, there is a something we call the “bastard series”. The Bastard series is a series of five drinks that is sure to get you drunk after the series ends. Traditionally, it is served as a trilogy (The Bastard Trilogy) but two other drinks have been added as time went by. The bastard series is best served whenever you are with a small group of friends and you want everybody to get super drunk. However, you must beware. Do this only in places wherein you would not have to clean up the vomit a.k.a. in the garden or in some lame beach side. That way, you could forget about cleaning up too much and just concentrate on getting your friends (and yourself) drunk.
1.) Gin Fizz: the first drink is the prelude to the trilogy. This gets you warmed up before you actually start with the alcohol-fest. Start by serving this drink up to everyone and tell them to take this drink slowly. It is fizzy, festive, fun, and has a very small amount of alcohol but is sure to get your friends in the mood for some more poison loving! Here’s how you make it:
In a cocktail shaker shake two shots of gin, three shots of lemon juice, a teaspoon of powdered sugar and some ice. Strain that and pour it over a highball glass with two ice cubes and fill the glass with some soda water. You may garnish this drink with a slice of lemon.
2.) Suffering Bastard: this is the first drink out of the Bastard Trilogy (also known as Bastard on the Beach). This is supposed to get you ready for the two heavier drinks that will come your way. Here is how you make it:
In a shaker, combine one shot of lime liquor (more popularly known as Island Lime), four shots of ginger ale or lemon-lime soda (like Sprite or Seven-Up), a shot of rum (or bourbon), and one shot of gin. Shake all these ingredients with ice and then pour it over an old-fashioned glass. You may garnish it with a sprig of mint, a slice of lime, and a cherry (or any combination of the three suggested garnishes).
3.) Dying Bastard: The second drink in the Bastard trilogy (or the third drink your guests will be having if they choose to go with the warm-up drink, Gin Fizz) is said to be the most potent of all. Most people find it a little bit too strong to handle so they decide to take it all in with one big gulp. This makes your guests drunk sooner, which is always a good thing. The Dying Bastard might make them feel like throwing up, mid-drink. However, convince them that it will only get better. The truth is, it won’t, but it will definitely be a treat watching all your friends get all effed up! Here’s how you make your friends feel like they’re dying:
In a highball glass pour one shot of brandy, one shot of gin, one shot of rum, half a shot of lime liquor, and a shot of ginger ale or lemon-lime soda. Top with some ice and enjoy. You may garnish the drink with some lime slices too if you want your guests to feel like they are dying in a festive way.
4.) Dead Bastard: The final drink in the Bastard Trilogy is one that finishes the task. It definitely gets you drunk and hazed out. Do not be amazed to find all your friends fighting for a place at the porcelain throne. Yup. After this drink, expect to see dozens of rainbow-coloured liquid coming out of your friend’s mouths. The only way to make this whole situation even funnier is by feeding them hotdogs before drinking and then pointing at the undigested dogs that they will be sewing out after they take a chug out of the Dead Bastard. Here’s how you can drag your friends to the hot oven below ground:
In a tall glass (actually, at this point, your friends will be so drunk they won’t even care what they are drinking out of) combine one shot of brandy, one shot of bourbon, one shot of gin, one shot of rum, half a shot of fresh lime juice (some calamansi will do), and one shot of ginger ale or lemon-lime soda. Mix it all with some ice and stir. You may garnish it with a lemon or lime wedge, or a whole calamansi. However, i doubt your friends will even remember how this drink looked like.
5.) Mai Tai: The final drink is the Mai Tai, also referred to as “Bastard in Heaven”. And although this drink is one of the more common drinks on the cocktail menu in any bar in any part of the world, having this after the Bastard Trilogy is one heck of an experience. However, do not expect your friends to actually try this drink. They will be too busy puking in the nearest toilet (or open space) that they would not actually have time to try this one out. The good news is, there are always exceptions to the rule, and there always people who can take it as much alcohol as you would give them, so here is the recipe for the Mai Tai:
In a shaker combine and shake half a shot of triple sec, half a shot of dark rum, half a shot of crème de almond (or a dash of almond extract), and a shot of light rum. Strain and pour this mixture over a Collins glass and then fill to the brim with pineapple juice. Garnish with a cherry, a festive cocktail umbrella, or a sprig of mint.
If for some uncanny reason, your friends can still stand and walk straight after the Mai Tai, repeat the whole process until they start passing out randomly. Make the Bastard Trilogy the theme for your next party and you are sure to have some drunken good times! Oh, and don’t forget to bring a fully-charged camera. You would want to capture all those drunken antics on cam.
Confession # 33:
I know I always tell kids to drink only as much alcohol as they can handle. However, when they are with friends they trust and are in a safe place, I’m willing to give them a free pass. So if you want to get drunk, and get drunk while expanding your cocktail vocabulary, this is the way to do it. And if I must be totally honest, I have gotten a little more than tipsy during my college years. And between you and me, it is one of the best feelings ever.
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