“The trouble with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticisms.” – Norman Vincent Peale
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When was the last time you praised someone? The truth is, you cannot remember it anymore. “Giving praise is much like giving love,” says American poet and English professor Irving Feldman. “The giver is usually the most benefited. He casts bread upon the waters and often gets back cake.”
And so, it came to pass that a married couple came to a counselor for advice. Once they were seated, they immediately started speaking simultaneously in a duel of criticisms. When they finally stopped for lack of breath, the counselor suggested that now they tell each other all the good they see in the other person.
There was a total silence from both.
The counselor gave each a pen and a sheet of paper. They were told to write down something praiseworthy about the other person. Neither of them wrote. They both sat and stared at the paper.
But after what seemed like a long time, the husband started to write something. At once, the wife also began to write – fast and furiously.
Finally, the writing stopped. There was silence again. The wife pushed her paper over to the watching counselor. He pushed it back signaling that she was to give it directly to her husband. She reluctantly shoved the paper half way across the table. He took it and in turn, slid his paper towards his wife.
Each began to read. The counselor watched. Soon a tear slid down the cheek of the wife. She crumpled the paper in her fist and held it tight. That proved that she treasured the sudden revelation of good things her husband had expressed about her. The whole atmosphere of the room changed. There was no need for anything to be said. Praise had healed a thousand wounds.
The husband and wife left the room arm in arm.
“The deepest principle of human nature is the craving to be appreciated,” reminds American philosopher and psychologist William James. “In the best, the friendliest and simplest relations flattery or praise is necessary, just as grease is necessary to keep wheels turning,” wrote Leo Tolstoy in War and Peace.
“So long as men praise you, you can only be sure that you are not yet on your own true path but on someone else’s,” penned German philosopher and cultural critic Friedrich Nietzsche. The story below illustrates:
One day, a field marshal requested an audience with Napoleon, and Napoleon knew what was coming. But as every good leader must, Napoleon agreed to hear him out. The field marshal brought news of a great victory he had achieved. He talked for a long time about his accomplishment, piling detail upon detail.
Napoleon listened closely throughout the entire narration but said nothing. The officer was disappointed. He had hoped for a more enthusiastic reception, as well as Napoleon’s congratulations. Neither was forthcoming.
Summing up, the field marshal repeated much of what he had already stated. As the officer rambled on, Napoleon continued to listen politely, and the marshal interpreted this as encouragement. Surely, he thought, Napoleon will now give me the praise I so richly deserve.
When the field marshal finally stopped talking, Napoleon asked him one question, “What did you do the next day?”
The field marshal was speechless. But the lesson was not lost on him. From then on, the officer understood that he should never rest on his laurels. So, he left it to others to bestow the praise.
In some instances, what people actually want is not praise but flattery. As American inspirational speaker Dale Carnegie pointed out, “Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself.”
Nancy Golden tries to explain the difference between flattery and praise. “Flattery is underserved praise,” she said, “and is usually general in nature. For example, when Grandma comes over and says, ‘Son, you are so handsome and smart, too,’ that is flattery. Praise, on the other hand, is specific and well-deserved positive reinforcement. When a mother says to her son, ‘Mark, I really like the way you kept your room clean all day today.’ That’s praise.
“Respect and praise support children’s growing sense of themselves,” Golden continues, “and encourages positive behaviors.”
Give praise to someone who really deserves it and not for the sake of praising someone. Say those words that further will further encourage him to do what is best not only for himself but also for others. “Nothing else can quite substitute for a few well-chosen, well-timed, sincere words of praise,” said Sam Walton.
But don’t overdo it or it may lose its true value. Samuel Johnson, in The Works of Samuel Johnson: The Rambler, reminds: “Praise, like gold and diamonds, owes its value only to its scarcity. It becomes cheap as it becomes vulgar, and will no longer raise expectations or animate enterprise.”
Here’s what Emily Post also said, “An overdose of praise is like 10 lumps of sugar in coffee; only a very few people can swallow it.”
Finally, here’s a word of wisdom from David Brandt Berg: “Most people are not really conceited, but feel a certain amount of inferiority and tend to get a little discouraged with themselves, therefore encouragement is a very important thing. I do it all the time! I praise everybody for everything they do that I see is good.”
