“Are you in favor of the legalization of divorce in the Philippines?”
The debate whether we need to have divorce in our country is raging. There are those who are in favor and there are those who are against it. “Divorce is the solution,” the other pro-groups declared. “Divorce is not the answer,” the opposition deplored.
The Philippines is the only country in the world without divorce – that is, if you don’t consider Vatican City a country.
Now is the time to have divorce in the country, most Filipinos clamor. But that’s easier said than done. There are still a lot of Filipinos, particularly those belonging to the Catholic faith who oppose the legalization of divorce.
One of the main reasons why most people are in favor of divorce is because so many wives are victims of domestic violence. These women are under the mercy of their husbands. Since legal separation is expensive, divorce is probably the best way out.
But on second thought, it’s not only wives who are suffering from their abusive husbands. There are also husbands who are suffering from their abusive wives. You may laugh at it but that’s the truth.
In 2018, I came across an article written by Dr. Rafael R. Castillo, a medical doctor who writes a regular column for Philippine Daily Inquirer. “More Filipino men battered by their wives” was the title of his piece.
Dr. Castillo’s source of information was Emiliano “Nano” Manahan, an antidomestic abuse advocate who wrote a book on the rarely discussed topic of abuse suffered by men at the hands of their spouses.
According to Nano, the incidence of male abuse in the Philippines was “on the rise.” At the time of the study, it affected 12 to 15 out of every 100 Filipino couples.
“The problem is that the majority of men, who are victims of domestic abuse, don’t even see themselves as victims. They find it difficult to recognize abuse in their relationship, in contrast to women who have a high index of awareness for domestic abuse committed against them or their children,” Dr. Castillo wrote.
The other reason is the belief that men are the stronger sex. Such acceptance prevents men from admitting abuse. As a result, they just keep it to themselves.
“Worse, the problem of male domestic abuse – which may not necessarily be physical, but can also be emotional, sexual or financial – has been trivialized and made the subject of jokes,” Dr. Castillo explained.
“These poor men are referred to as “under the saya (skirt),” “takusa” – short for “takot sa asawa” (afraid of wife) or suffering from “asthma” because they have to ask permission from their wife (“asma” or ask my wife) for everything they want to do, or every time they want to go out with the boys.”
The claim of Nano was nothing new in Davao City. As early as 2012, Ayan Mellejor wrote a story on the subject for Inquirer. “Battered husbands do exist but most of the time they just keep quiet for fear of being sued themselves under a law protecting women and children against abuses,” Mellejor wrote.
Mellejor’s source was Rene Estorpe, whom she described as the president of the Federation of Gender and Development (FGAD). He cited the cases of two husbands in Agdao Centro who complained about the abuses they received from their wives.
Instead, the two husbands were charged with violating the Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children (VAWC) law, or Republic Act No. 9262. As Estorpe said, “The wives accused them of engaging in illicit affairs.”
“We have laws protecting women and children against domestic violence, who are considered the more vulnerable members of the family,” Nano was quoted as saying. “But these laws do not cover domestic violence committed against man/male partner by an abusive party.”
Unfortunately, such a problem is not only common in the Philippines but in the United States as well. “Domestic violence is not about size, gender, or strength,” said Jan Brown, executive director and founder of the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men. “It’s about abuse, control, and power, and getting out of dangerous situations and getting help, whether you are a woman being abused, or a man.
“Domestic violence against men is very similar to domestic violence against women,” Brown was quoted as saying by webmd.com. “It can come in the form of physical abuse, emotional, verbal, or financial.”
Brown cited a letter which he received from a woman who said her brother was being abused by his wife, who would scratch him, throw things at him, point a gun at him, break his eyeglasses, and flush his medications down the toilet – among other things.
“The sister said in her letter that her brother stitched a cut on his arm himself, with a thread and needle, because his wife had cut him and he didn’t want to go to the hospital,” Brown said. “Can you imagine being so embarrassed that your wife hits you that you do that?”
That is a distinguishing factor between battered women and battered men, according to Brown. “Men – like this one – are more likely to be embarrassed by their abuse, making them less likely to report it.”
Men often worry about what other people would say. “What would people think if they knew I let a woman beat up on me?” Another reason is men’s pride: “I don’t want to be laughed at; no one would believe me.”
Perhaps, to save husbands suffering from their abusive wives, the solution is probably divorce.
